I have a few questions for you: Why did you choose to write in English? It seems like the narration is a literal translation from Tamil to English, which shouldn't be the case. If you want to be a good Tamil writer, the best way to achieve that is to read as much Tamil as possible. If you want to improve writing in English, I would suggest you to read English books. Reading different authors will make you think in English.
I read a few lines: "were" was confused with "where".
Please be careful with spellings, dictions, grammar and sentence formation. It's very imprtant.
Good luck!